Dear Tamara:
I am not the other woman type and have never dated a married man before. I have been dating the same guy for six months and didn’t know that he is married. Things were getting very serious between us. We even discussed marriage and starting a family together. About a month ago I found out that he is married and has two small children. I am devastated!! I have tried to cut things off with him, but it is not as easy as I thought it would be. My friends think I am crazy for still seeing him, but I just don’t know how to stop loving him. When I try to talk to him now about our future and if he is planning to get a divorce, he avoids the subject and says “It’s complicated.” I can’t help that I am still in love with him and don’t know how to break things off.
T.R. Smith
Dear T.R.:
No matter how you justify your feelings or rearrange the story, you are the other woman if you continue to see this man while he is still married and committed to someone else! He has been dishonest with you and his wife and neither of you deserve that. It is clear that this man has some serious decisions to make in his personal life, but the fact that he has no intention of leaving his wife and family speaks volumes as to where his true commitment lies.
Stop worrying about what he is going to do; you have some decisions to make for yourself. First, be honest with yourself. Are you are really in love with this man or “the man” that you thought he was? Acknowledge your feelings, whatever they are, and then move on with your life. You say you do not know how to break things off, but sometimes we have to be like Nike and “Just Do It!”
You may not have known that he was married when you first met and got involved with him, but you know now. And as long as he stays married, that makes him unavailable. And even if he eventually gets a divorce and decides to come back your way, will you ever be able to truly trust him again?
Don’t harp over the time you invested in the relationship. What’s done is done and you cannot beat yourself up for being trusting and for being lied to. You should learn a lesson from this experience and move on. Be thankful that you found out about this man before you invested anymore time and energy into the relationship or got a jumpstart on starting that family!
